It begins...

This is the first day, with only 90 more to go. I've begun, and I've begun with a bang! I've even made an awesome video with the limited abilities that only filming through the baby camera attached to the MacBook can provide. And there will be more to come... Plus, the verdict is in...

OFFICIAL STARTING WEIGHT:

246.5 lbs.

OFFICIAL GOAL WEIGHT:
220 lbs.

OFFICIAL UNREALISTIC GOAL WEIGHT:
192 lbs.

And so the first day of my massive dieting endeavor has come to a close, and I stayed true to the cause. I am calculating as we speak, counting calories and attempting to see something close to 2100. For your viewing pleasure, I have included the diet for my first day.

Day 1: 1/28

Breakfast:

1 1/2 Cup Fruit Harvest Cereal (220)
1 Orange (62)
1 Multi-vitamin for Men

Lunch:

2 slices German Dark Wheat Bread (200)
1 4.5. oz cut of white chicken breast (120)
1 slice of tomato (4)
1 handful of romaine lettuce (7)
1 tbsp almonds (40)
1 tbsp Passion Fruit Dressing (35)
1 banana (105)
1 tbsp Olive oil (60)

Snack:

2 small handfuls of cashews and walnuts (200)
1 unsweetened citrus tea (2)

Dinner:

2 oz. Whole Wheat Spaghetti (200)
1 large handful of podded snow peas (50)
1 organic carrot (30)
1 handful of shitake mushrooms (10)
and diced green peppers
2/3 cup of Ragu spaghetti sauce (100)
2 tbsp Olive oil (120)
1 pinch of Romano cheese (100)

Notes:
felt a little hungry all day, want a soda. resisted birthday cake in break room. resisted pizza dad brought home. resisted popcorn mom had. should have taken an aspirin when i woke up.

Official Calorie Count:
1665

Oops! So, I ate a little too little today. Shit. Well, I guess that means tomorrow I can splurge on some yogurt with wheat germ for a snack. Plus, if I have a coffee tomorrow, that'll surely add 200+ bringing me within range. Right now, I'm technically starving myself, so that's not so good. At least I had that multi-vitamin. That Whole-Wheat Pasta was rockin' with shitake mushrooms and some cayenne pepper; and I thought it might suck.

As far as exercise goes, I was able to jump onto the dancefloor, and fast out of the gate. I haven't played Dance Dance Revolution in about seven months, so I'm rusty, but I was soon back to my old self, busting a move through the workout mode and unlocking over half the missions within the 2:15 of play time. I was musky, manly, and dripping with fluids. After the fun, I pulled 45 push-ups (not in a row), and realized that I'm not as good at sit-ups as I used to be, doing a measley 31 before giving up.

But, it was a success! Hopefully, others have had similar successes today. I can only imagine what I'll look like without a double-chin. It'll be a surreal AND exciting.

90 more days and beyond...

Links:
Count Calories at: http://www.calorie-count.com/

Preparation: Day 5: Reprogramming/Making it Last

Reprogramming/Making it Last

So, afterwards, when the 91 days is up and I've lost the weight and I'm saying, "oh joy, i'm hot!"... where does all this tracking come into play? I mean, I'm definitely going to stop specifically tracking my progress each day and counting calories so specifically. But, my specific reasoning is, by tracking myself for 91 days I will ease into a mode of thinking (I like to call it "guilt trip" mode), where I realize what specific healthy foods I enjoy eating, where to make my exceptions, and never feel the craving to eat until I'm close to puking. This is a system to improve my life, not to lose a few extra pounds. I'm not going to eat a chocolate cake on day 92. I'll probably indulge in a 3 oz. whole-grain bagel with a tablespoon of low-fat cranberry cream cheese and strawberry-banana yogurt with wheat germ. My goal is to almost want to throw up after my first Double-Cheeseburger at McDonald's, hopefully somewhere around day 121 or so. I want to hate the indulgences that hate my body so. When I'm done, I swear, I'm going to buy a cheesecake... a nice, delicious, plain, cheesecake (my favorite), from that diner in Lebanon or Cross Keys near Hanover... and I'm going to punch it! I'm going to totally kick it's rich little ass! And when I'm done reveling in my victory, and it is left a mushed pile of mushy dairy gism, I'm going to heft it above my head, and throw it off a bridge and watch it float to it's eventually dissolving death in the Susquehanna river.

And when I see a burger like that, hopefully I won't be salivating on my shirt as much as I am right now.

The only way I'm going to "know" what is specifically happening inside and outside of my body, is by knowing what I'm shoveling inside of it and what I'm making it do. Specific, acute, accurate, revealing, truthful, bombastic; these are a bunch of words that I've been using a lot lately. And I need to be held completely accountable, I need to crafty and precise, because failure is only one step away. Complete and utter failure, staring me in the face, like some pompous fox holding a bow and arrow and flexing (see Day 3 above).

Stay tuned for updates, graphs, numbers, pictures, and amazing blogging...

Tomorrow, it begins...

Preparation: Day 4: Plotting/Planning

Just so you know, I'm going back and editing Day 1. I forgot the most important part of my diet. I'm only going to be drinking water. Not Vitamin Water or flavored water, just water like my ancestors in Russia used to drink.

Plotting/Planning

Like a good newspaper article, a proper diet is fueled by a strong outline of the major points to be addressed nutritionally. As a journalist must collect statistics, opinions, and related facts to support their reports, an actively healthy person must track their progress, research new techniques, and stay focused on their weight-loss goal. In the end, the Journalist is held accountable for the information they represent. And the dieter, is held accountable for the weight they eventually lose. A Journalist is a dieter of word-fat. A Dieter is a Journalist of fat words. Journalists are Dieters and that is why they are healthy and focused. I AM A JOUR-DIET-NALIST-ER!

And that is my crappy intro. I'm dropping the persuasive college paper-style now.



My plan is very simple. I will be tracking my intake calories, portion sizes, exercise time, game-playing, sit-ups, and basically anything that can explain to me why I would fail in my goal to lose at least 2 pounds per week and eventually slim to 193 or less. For my glorious readers and weight-loss practitioners, I will be updating my progress with colorful graphs, pictures, videos, and online updates every other day (which is what I originally meant by bi-daily, but realize now is not the definition of bi-daily). A new graph will be posted at the conclusion of each week, along with an official weigh-in and brilliant creative writing piece reflecting on the triumphs and failures of those seven days.

For those of you who need visual representations, or possibly an extremely erotic presentation of my transformation from a larva to a moth, I will be taking a photograph of myself (shirtless!) for every day of the diet. At the end of 91 days, I will compile the photographs and create a short video. Hopefully, this video will look like I'm shrinking and not just standing around looking bored and not changing for 10 seconds.

It's important. If I'm not keeping track of these things, I end up "saying" that I'm eating healthy, but then eating half a slice of pizza here, a piece of coconut cake there, oh and that cookie at work, and the handful of potato chips from the bag in my car, and that sour starburst, and the ten hershey kisses from band practice. And all that is probably the biggest reason for diet failure...

...right into Day 5...

Preparation: Day 3: Strengthening of the Mind...

A late installment... but, I did get to see There Will Be Blood and win 60 dollars at Brians poker party. So, while I sabotaged my body, I was able to score some quick cash. It's all about the green.

Strengthening of the Mind

Mentally acuity. Focus, power, balance, determination. "like-a-fox"; these are all qualities which I lack. Whether I can actually feel my brain deteriorating inch-by-inch, day-by-day, as I believe it is, or whether I just didn't care about these things when I was kid and now I'm just overanalyzing the situation every time I forget something or become tongue-tied, either way my brain is slowly dying and I need to fight back!

The brain is not only the body's largest and most important sexual organ, it is also used, like a motherboard in a computer, to control the body's activity level and provide supply chain solutions, sending nutrients to the organs that need them most. It is important and I will need to use it, if I want any of these dieting techniques to stick.

I'm not taking those mind-supplements; your Ginsengs, Gingkos, St. John's Worts, pig brains... etc. And I refuse to try that speed-reading program on TV (if that kid could really comprehend 1500 words a minute, it would take him about 7 minutes to read the longest piece I've ever written, and I just don't want that), or the math program with number association where some guy can multiply any two numbers in a split second. These are all helpful in some way, shape, or form, but they all seem like fads.

My problem isn't necessarily my creative thinking, comprehension, or problem-solving abilities, all of which are supplemented by my sedentary lifestyle. Being able to focus and trigger memory recall in social situations IS my problem. This makes me appear to be a good listener, and I do listen attentively. I may even appear to be chumly and warm. But, there is a dark side to my personality. And this dark side is that I have problems making small talk with random people. My brain locks up.

Generally, people talk about the stupidest shit. My definition of "stupid shit" is "completely generic bullshit." Talking about the weather, making jabs at someone's favorite sports team, constant gay jokes, talking about work, or saying how much you would like to fuck some ugly bitch by using some generic euphemism that is never ever funny. It's important that I at least attempt to embrace the standard call and response of these situations, so that I can weed out the weak-minded and keep them properly beneath me. And you ain't hot if you can't talk about stupid shit with stupid people only interested in bodies.

My goal is to become more out-going, which goes hand-in-hand with becoming more active, which release more happiness endorphin into the lobes of my brain. This may occur in the form of random compliments given to random people or simple statements said over and over and over again. For example: "I love the color of your skirt." or "How chilly is it outside? Right?" or "[insert activity here] is so gay" or "They should call McNabb a DimeBack, cause he ain't worth no Quarter." It will mainly take place in the form of simply hanging out with friends more often. The act of hanging out pretty much automatically raises your ability to communicate with jocularity. I will accept play-dates much more often, especially if these play-dates are offered with the hope of rigorous physical activity. The happier and sharper my brain is, the more active I will be.

For my literature indulgences, I will be reading "The Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett, hopefully delving into "A Game of Thrones" by George R. Martin, and finally finishing "The Consolation of Philosophy" by Boethius (for self-empowerment) which is fully translated on my computer. ("When the stars are hidden by black clouds, no light can they afford. When the boisterous south wind rolls along the sea and stirs the surge, the water, but now as clear as glass, bright as the fair sun's light, is dark, impenetrable to sight, with stirred and scattered sand. The stream, that wanders down the mountain's side, must often find a stumbling-block, a stone within its path torn from the hill's own rock. So too shalt thou: if thou wouldst see the truth in undimmed light, choose the straight road, the beaten path; away with passing joys! away with fear! put vain hopes to flight! and grant no place to grief! Where these distractions reign, the mind is clouded o'er, the soul is bound in chains.") Boethius knows how to kick it, old-school! Plus, I will download some books-on-tape to my IPod and listen to them while I'm riding my bike, saving time and money.

For my intellectual indulgences, I will be playing Brain Age 2 for the Nintendo DS, which automatically tracks my mental progression; this aids in memory recall and quick-thinking skills needed in conversation. I will be continuing to play board games as much as possible, and will be purchasing another title in the GIPF project series of abstract strategy games, either "Tamsk", "Punct", or "Gipf" itself (I already own "Yinsh" and "Dvonn"); these games invite conversation and promote spatial arrangement skills. And I'll probably be calculating some more Poker odds as well in the near future.

The only other thing to "mind" (haha!) is my brain's lack of self-discipline. Discipline comes from repetition, scheduling, and taking actual joy in routine, everyday activities. I am a man, not a slave! And these discipline issues will be addressed in further installments of this lecture series.

I may never be an anthropomorphic fox with a bow and arrow, but I can always strive to be a crafty son of a bitch. And that is all that matters...

Tomorrow, Days 4&5- Mix and Matched together as the final day ticks past and TC begins his long journey...


(preparations for tomorrow: stop writing so damn much...)
Art by Karabiner